(My year began with me working as a hostess in a restaurant until Valentine’s Day when I got arrested…that was the end of that job)
I remember having a conversation with a friend earlier this year and saying “I’m so ready for anything that life has to throw at me!” It was in early April when I’d just been released from a 9 week prison sentence for punching a colleague in the face. I was on such a high: feeling super positive and optimistic….but boy oh boy did I not know what was in store for me in the coming months ahead…I was to experience two things that had never hit so close to home before….DEATH & THE PROSPECT OF NEW LIFE!!!!!
New Opportunities:So! After being released from prison. I found myself back at square one once again in my mum’s house. Although I did feel quite optimistic about life and had things that I wanted to do, I still didn’t have a solid plan in place for myself…However things did appear to be looking up when I received an email for an upcoming underground magazine who’d been sent some of my styling work from a friend and were keen on meeting with me. I was so happy and excited, convinced that “God was working for me” and I was filled with hope!
I went for a meeting with the team from the mag at their offices and showed them all of my work – which they absolutely loved. They were so complimentary, thus they appointed me the role of the Head Stylist and welcomed me into their team straight away. Wow! I was happy but more nervous than anything else: I mean I had just come out of jail and hadn’t done any styling work for ages. To make matters worse, the role was unpaid and I reallyyy didn’t wanna stay at my mum’s house for too long at allll. I wanted to get money and get out!! Things were definitely looking uncertain. Was I biting off more than I can chew???
Conflict:I got kicked out of my mums. Urrrrggghhhh. So, upon returning home from a catchup with a friend one night, I was more or less greeted with a heated argument with my mum who was on a full blown rampage. She started removing my belongings from the house, declaring that she wants me out – before getting physically abusive with me. I soon found myself alone at a bus stop with nothing but my suitcase. I had phoned one of my older brother’s to ask if I could spend a night or two at his whilst I get my head together, but he told me he wasn’t in and advised me to take a bus ride around London – which I did while listening to music on my phone to keep me sane. I got as far as central London until my phone died and for some reason the only place that I could think of to charge it back up again was MacDonald’s Drive Thru in Wandsworth. So I made my way there and as soon as I entered, who do I see? My two older brothers who said they’d been trying to get a hold of me. Mad ting !!…After eating and deliberating for around two hours lol, my brothers decided to take me “home” back to my mums. I knew it wasn’t a good idea but fuck it – I just rolled with it anyway…It was a disaster. A shambles. Honestly it couldn’t have gone more wrong. It was like world war 3 broke out in that house. My mum even drew out a massive kitchen knife on everyone at one point kmt. Lame move bruh. It ended with Police turning up and my mum was the only one that opened her mouth, informing them that “us three older one’s have a criminal record, Latoya’s a trouble maker and she’s just come out of jail blah blah blah” My brother’s left after ordering me not to move a muscle but I exited shortly after. I was then probed by my brothers of whom I met downstairs before they walked off when they spotted the police leaving my mum’s. After being laughed at and warned not to return to my mums by the Police. I could only respond my telling them to “FUCK ORRRFFFFF!” I was left alone. My mind quickly began exploring all options:
- Should I turn up at the council with my suitcase, declaring homelessness? Been there done that.
- Do I think “fuck it” and sleep rough and homeless on the streets? Been there done that.
- Do I act erratic and remove all of my clothes and walk the streets naked until an ambulance turns up and I end up getting thrown into a psychiatric unit? Been there done that.
I guess I was all out of ideas huh…At this point I felt like a complete and utter WASTE GIRL. It’s not like I was 16 or 17. I was 25 years old, had just been released from jail and kicked out of my mum’s house with barely a penny to my name. I started sinking!
Grandad: Something suddenly clicked! Grandad! It’s as if God just spoke to me. Listen I wasted no time love. I wheeled my suitcase, hopped on a bus and went straight to My Grandad’s. I knocked on his door and was greeted by a frail figure. “Grandad..?” (Ageing wise) my grandad had been on pause for my whole life and now he’d drastically deteriorated in the space of a few months. WTF? Anyway, I explained everything to him and he welcomed me to stay with him. I felt mentally unstable. While settling in at my Grandad’s I continued on with the magazine folk before quickly realising that I certainly did bite off more than I could chew boii. They quickly promoted me as their Fashion Editor, but mentally I wasn’t ready. Plus something in my spirit didn’t connect with the whole thing (especially after doing a few shoots with them) I quickly tapped out and cut ties with them.
Grandad’s still got cancer 😦In between me trying to give it a go with the magazine and trying to maintain sanity, I found out that my Grandad was still fighting cancer – which I blindly assumed had cleared. But in actual fact, the cancer had comfortably set up shop in his throat. Great…kmt!!
Did I just meet someone? (Somewhere in between me leaving the mag and finding out Grandad was sick) En route back home from visiting a good friend that I’d made in prison, I met a cool guy on the tube. We got talking and conversation flowed so beautifully! He asked me for my number and we went on a date the next day. The date went really well. We got on! Did I potentially just meet someone?? We began speaking daily while he was in France! He offered to create a website for me to aid me in rebranding myself as a creative. Nice!
Suicide: After parting ways with the magazine, I felt extremely lost AGAIN kmt! My phone was annoying me and the guy I met was in France for work. I destroyed my phone and threw it in the bin. I quickly sunk into a deep depression and decided to call it quits on life. I eventually bought a £10 phone so that I could at least communicate with Grandad. One night I told my Grandad I was going for a walk. Instead I bought around 15 packs of paracetamol from various convenient stores. I was confident that I wanted to die! I took about 120 Paracetamols before feeling intensely nauseous and throwing up viciously. I called the ambulance for myself like a proper fucking idiot! As soon as I told them how much I’d taken they put on the sirens and rushed me to hospital. I was shutting down. I didn’t die though. Obviously lol. (This was my second ever suicide attempt.) I was discharged from hospital after 2 days of treatment. I returned to Grandad’s. I figured it wasn’t my time to die and vowed that I’d never attempt to take my own life again no matter what.I’M HERE FOR A PURPOSE !!
Then Grandad dies 😦 The weeks ahead consisted of me spending quality time with my Grandad. Despite a few falling outs – we became like best friends and developed a respect and understanding like never before. He loved watching TV, particularly BBC News – which I hated but I had to respect that was his thing. The only thing I liked on the TV were music and radio channels. We’d take it in turns to watch our favourites lol. I was having to blend all of his food for him when Grandad started to struggle swallowing 😦 I was hardly leaving the house at this stage, I was happy and content being at home with Grandad. One day in the 3rd week of June, Grandad went out and when he returned home he was seriously weak. After giving him some water and both of us settling down to watch TV, he started loosing consciousness so I called the ambulance. He died the next day in hospital. I was completely broken. The next month consisted of funeral preparations, reuniting with long lost family members and reconnecting with and getting to know that guy that I’d met on the tube (I got a new smart phone and got my old sim back). We started seeing each other and got intimate really quickly. Listen! I needed some form of release from everything that was going on love! By the end of July – as a family, we’d paid our final respects to Grandad, which was an extremely difficult process. But on a brighter note a relationship had seemingly blossomed between me and the guy 🙂
Baby On Board: After clearing and evacuating Grandad’s place. I moved into a room in a private rented shared house. After everything that had happened I was so ready to really focus and build myself up again and make the most of life. I could feel the spirit of my Grandad within me and I felt strong and positive. I was also feeling hopeful about this relationship with the guy. Things were going well. Four days after settling in to my new place, something occurred to me MY BLOODY PERIOD WAS LATE AAARRRRGGGGHHH! My period was never late so this was strange. I casually bought a pregnancy test (thinking not too much of it, I really didn’t think I’d be pregnant at all tbh) The Results were positive. I’M PREGNANT!!! After getting confirmation from the doctors, I told the guy who insisted I have an abortion. NO CHANCE! And cut a long story short – that was the end of us. WASTEMAN!!
Fast forward to now and I’m currently six months pregnant and soO excited to be a mum! Since finding out, I’ve just been working, keeping my head down and trying my best not to threaten the guy’s life again 🙂
WHAT A BLOODY YEAR AYE?!?!
The key most important things that this year has taught me are:
- Trust your struggle
- Trust and believe in your own individual unique journey
• Life is short and precious
- Everything’s connected: life is like a domino effect
- GRATITUDE! I’m soO incredibly grateful for everything that has happened in my life thus far
- STAY POSITIVE & NEVER GIVE UP
So here’s to 2018! We made it yo!!